Funeral Etiquette

Many people express concern over not knowing what to say to the family of the deceased after a death. Fears over saying the wrong thing and feeling uncomfortable with the conversation are incredibly common. Remember to keep it simple and don’t overthink things too much. Simply offering your condolences and expressing how sorry you are for their loss means a lot. If you knew the deceased well and feel comfortable doing so, you may choose to share a happy story or memory about them. Families often enjoy learning new things about their loved ones from different times in their lives.

Avoid saying things that may cause the family to feel uncomfortable or minimize the loss. Understand that they are grieving and you should use care to keep the conversation positive and as lighthearted as possible given the situation. Do not ask about the cause of death or deceased’s illness, if applicable, unless the family specifically brings it up. Cliche sayings like “they’re in a better place” typically make people feel worse and should be avoided.

Generally you want to dress for a funeral or memorial service as you would for a job interview or for church. Subtle colors like blues, grays, browns and black are usually appropriate choices. Unless the family specifically requests it, you should avoid bright colors. Wardrobe choices should be fairly conservative and simple, including any jewelry or accessories you might choose. A simple dress, blouse or pants is typically a good option for women. Men should wear a suit with a jacket and tie. Anyone participating in the service or performing pallbearer duties should check with the family to see if they have made any special requests regarding attire.

If there is a visitation and a viewing, the family will typically form a line to greet attendees and receive condolences. This is not the time to have lengthy conversations with the family as they may be very emotional. You should also be courteous of other mourners and avoid holding up the line or spending too much time at the casket, if applicable. It is appropriate to take a few moments to express your sympathy to the family and then pay your respects or offer a short silent prayer as you are viewing the deceased. You will frequently have more time to speak to the family at the conclusion of the visitation or during a reception if they are holding one.

Try your best to be on time, as you do not want to disturb the service or other attendees by entering after it has begun. If you do arrive late, please enter as quietly as you can and choose a seat in the back of the room. The first few rows of seating are usually reserved for family or close friends, with the rest of the seats available for other people in attendance. There may also be users who can assist you with finding appropriate seats if you are uncertain about where to sit.

Cell phones can cause a big distraction during a funeral service and should be turned off completely or left in the car. If you must keep your phone on, make sure it is silenced and avoid checking it unnecessarily. You should also take care to avoid being on social media or sharing anything private during the service out of respect for the family of the deceased. If you need to return a phone call or check a message, please quietly excuse yourself from the room before doing so.

Deciding when to visit after someone has passed away will depend on your relationship and level of comfort with the family. Immediate family members and close friends may choose to reach out right away and see what kind of help and support they can provide. This time can be overwhelming for families and often they need help with things like meal preparation, childcare, receiving visitors, keeping track of flowers and gifts, and coordinating service details. Helping with these tasks can take an immense burden off the shoulders of the bereaved during this difficult process. Those who are less familiar with the family should wait until the funeral services to offer condolences, and then reach out afterwards to see if they can assist the family in any capacity. Grieving can be complicated and you want to ensure people are prepared and ready for visitors before you arrive.

Whether or not to include children in a funeral or memorial service will depend on the situation. Attending services and saying goodbye to a family member or loved one can be an important step in a child’s grieving process, however you should consider the age of the child and how significant the relationship was to them. For very young children, it might be best to arrange for childcare rather than having them attend a service. If a child is old enough to understand what is happening and wants to attend, you should make sure to prepare them for what to expect and what they might see at the service.

If you want to provide a gift for the family after someone passes away, one of the most helpful things you can do is assist with daily life tasks. These things can often feel overwhelming immediately following a death as the family is grieving and handling all of the details of wrapping up the deceased’s affairs. Providing a meal is a very meaningful gesture that people appreciate. You may also offer to take care of pets, run errands, or complete household chores as a gift of service to the family. If they have small children to consider, offering to provide transportation to school and activities can be very helpful. You may also consider a small meaningful gift for any children, such as a stuffed animal or book to let them know you are thinking of them, as well.

Sending flowers is a thoughtful and meaningful way to let the family know you are thinking about them and express your sympathy. A nice flower arrangement can provide comfort during their grief. Before sending flowers you should check the obituary to see whether the family has made specific requests regarding flowers, such as donations to be made in lieu of sending flowers. You may choose to send a traditional flower arrangement or some people prefer to send a live plant instead. Deliveries may be made to the funeral home for the services or sent directly to the family at their home instead.